The hardest days are the day when you know you shouldn't be spending it on grieving, but you can't help but do so. You tell people that you are happy and stronger now, but you sit at home alone... or driving in your car not knowing what you could have done to prevent all this from happening. Thinking to yourself that if "I am persistent enough and wait until the moment comes, eventually, that special someone would come back." Even though you know that this is just a mere imagination, but in the imagination you picture it so beautifully that you can't help but to lie and try to live it.... The toughest role to play is to act happy in front of everyone when you are torn up and broken down into pieces deep inside. You search deep within yourself to joke around and put on a smile and then drive home just to look at your self in the mirror and realize that it was all an act. Disgusted because you know you are not being yourself and it was all an act. These hard days.... you wake up just to try and get through the days dragging your feet. Trying to say and show that you're okay and good to everyone and then come home at night and realize how fucked up everything went. Thinking about how you could've prevented what had happened... You become this empty soul that's roaming again the next day....
As I was sending a message to her cousin I realize something wet was rolling down my nose. I only wanted to text to her cousin to make sure she will protect her happiness and make sure who ever she ends up with will make her happy. I started to realized that this wet droplets rolling down my nose was tears of my emotions. I never thought I would actually would tear up or cry while writing a letter. I soon realized that after the first tear rolled down and got to the end of my nose as it drops onto my phone screen a second and third tear started following it rapidly. Despite of the fact that I was trying to workout to forget things and be strong. These mysterious tears that are deep inside me found its way out, we're not as strong as we think we are. Despite of the fact that I had no intention to cry or want to these deep emotional feelings had creep up on me and found it's way through. I guess that's when you really know how much someone meant to you, when deep down you are crying and the tears that you try to hide reveals themselves despite of the fact you fought so hard to keep them in. I'm not the type of guy to let my feelings show and to see this, I know that I truly love her. I just hope that I could convince her that I care and one day my love will guide her willingly back to my side...
The harder I try to move on and get going with my life the harder it is on me. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. Everything I do is reminding me of her, I took our pictures off my desk to aide with clearing my mind. Regardless of this, it's not her image that is bothering me. It's the things we've done together, the roads I've been on with her, and the car I was once in with her. I can still feel her warmth besides me as I'm driving down the road. I wake up and realize that my bed is so empty knowing that she might never sleep beside me. I'll probably visit this blog more periodically then what I was used to because this is now the only place I would like to go to, to share my thoughts and feelings. I once shared my feelings with others, but I can no longer do that because knowing what I know, I don't want anyone to be disappointed in her. I love her and whatever she have done, love is about forgiving and because I love her I will forgive her wholeheartedly. It's not the pain of her being happier with someone else that's bothering me, I really want her to be happy and it's all I've ever wished for her. The pain comes from losing someone you love so much...
There's nothing left for me to linger or want anymore. I've officially lost everything that mattered to me. I have traded my career for my life. Was it a fair trade? NO.... In less than a year I've sold my motorcycle, got rid of my bicycle, moved to a different place and was forced to move to three different locations. I lost my car and now ultimately I've lost the one person that meant something special to me. The reason I am here right now... I don't want to talk to anyone, just these blank white text boxes and my keyboard is what I can express my feelings to. Am I such a bad person? did I do something wrong to bring this upon me? I don't know, but I keep hearing from people who don't matter to me that I'm a good person and this and that, but those who mattered to me are leaving. I can't sleep, these nights are mocking me and the days are killing me slowly to know I have to survive another day just to know that I am only living to go through another day of agony and pain. I guess I'm genetically predisposed to live this long lonely life. I know I have to continue on and be strong to succeed and take care of my family. But that spark and will power that I once had is fading away really fast. I'm running out of energy and where will I find it again. I am here alone with no one to talk to. These white lines are just empty spaces just like the empty spaces in my life waiting for me to fill them in with words or despair. I wish I can fill them in with more happier words, but I can't and it's pretty sad but it's just reality and I have to deal with it.
I lay in my bed after a long restless night. With only 2 hours of sleep, I lay here and type because there's nobody out there for me to talk to. No one relevant for me to share my sadness and sorrow. No one to talk to, or at least no one that I really want to talk to. I rather be lonely than to be without her. My thoughts keeps on lingering of that special someone, but I can't call upon her because for her own reasons she has decided to leave me. I've made my mistakes in this relationship that we had, we both did. But I can say that I am willing to fight for this relationship and if it will take every ounce of my energy I will use every last of it, this I promise to myself and the world. I want to prove to her that I want to be her for the rest of my life and if I can one day bring her closer again to me, I will forever cherish. And if I one day forget, let this letter that is hopefully forever kept on the web remind of me of my promises to myself and the world.
We all do things properly in our lives to play this game of life. Obeying all the rules and making sure we are not breaking them. However, when we find that others are not following these rules we are often hurt because unlike a official sport game we do not really have an official calling people out of their offenses. This is just the fact of the "unfair" game of life.
We are slaves to our lives. We live just long enough to know that in the end we are all going to end up in the same place. 6 feet underground, buried, wiped from this face of Earth. With this known, we still live our lives in hate, despair, and suffrage of our past and sometimes present. The greatest part of life has always been being able to love someone and caring for one another. It's a beautiful thing, yet we tend to get stuck in ourselves and not realized that these things are beautiful and that one day that person we just hurt will no longer be around. We take things for granted and say "you don't love me enough, you don't make me feel comfortable, you don't talk to me," and forget about things like "Do I love you enough, are you comfortable, do you need someone to talk to?" We get lost in our own translation, that when we don't hear what we want to hear. We block everything else and label that person as a person that was not there for us and not cared. Love and life is complicated, when we try to simplify it, it is usually seen as if we don't care or not doing enough.
_ You’ll always have people tell you what you can or cannot do. Don’t ever underestimate the power of strong will. It is those who are strong willed that will achieve great things. People like Gandhi, Einstein, and Martin Luther King all has the same mindset is that they want to achieve something they really want. These individual were not repressed by others, Gandhi for example would fast for days and refuse to wear and consume British imports to exemplify that Indian’s can produce their own clothing and food. Martin Luther King, knew that change has never been simple, or without controversy. It depends on persistence and strong will power. If we can be determined about something, we take actions in it we also have to be persistence. I have people that would tell me your hard-headed, but I see this as I am not hard-headed, but rather persistence. Because I have a dream to be financially free and retire before I am 40 years old. This is not as big as a dream as Martin Luther King, but it is his dream and persistence that provided us with the change we have today. He was determined and although it took him 10 years to enforce the Civil Rights Act and Voting Rights Act, but in those 10 years he did not give up. He pushed, and spoke, and marched until his dream came to reality. This is what most of us lack; we see that something is too hard, so we say it’s too hard. And when we see no one around us is doing it we assume that this is the normal and we find ourselves drifting away from our dreams. We forget who we are and what we really want to do. Dr. King pushed the envelope even further when even after the passing of the Civil Rights Act and Voting Rights Act, African American were still trapped in poverty. He didn’t give up and say it’s too hard and said lets settle for what we got and go home. Instead He fought for better political and economic justice.
“Don’t ever let somebody tell you, “You can’t do something.”… If you got a dream, you have to protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they want to tell you, “You can’t do it.” If you want something, go get it.” This was quoted from Chris Gardner in the “Pursuit of Happyness.” Those who can’t do something or have low will power to do something will always bring you down, because they can’t do it. Their nature has always been to give up half way or when things gets a little hard and little tougher they give up and said it’s too hard I’ll never be able to do it. Everyone seek to be good, they see good as being enough. To be surpassed as great is to some unattainable because it’s too much work. Imagine if you were to climb up the stairs to the second floor, you wouldn’t stop at the middle would you? Yeah it was good that you took the first step and climbed up and now you’re higher you made it up. You’ll be applauded that you made it up and you have attempted to walk up the stairs and it’s good, but you never achieve you goal of being at the top floor. Take this into bigger context, if you finish high school you did good then you finish college then you got a job, then you have a family, but have you settled as being good like everyone else? Or would you rather be great? See most of us are afraid of being great. We see the world around us and say let’s just settle for good because that’s what everyone is doing. If this is true, innovations like the computer, Ipad, cars, or electric light bulb would not exists. Thomas Edison did not agree to use a gas lamp for the rest of his life and he believed that the people around him should either. Rather, in his countless effort to invent something that would change the world lighting system forever, he had a goal. A goal in which he set out to achieve no matter how many failure attempts he had. Most of us can learn a lot from Thomas Edison, failure is part of success. We can fail 10,000 times like Thomas Edison, but all it takes is one success. Optimistically, speaking Thomas Edison stated, “I didn’t fail 10,000 times. I eliminated the factors of what worked and didn’t work ten thousand times.” We should never be afraid to fail, because failure is only part of the learning process of what not to do next time. Our biggest failure is to fail to realize how close we are to success when we give up. As stated by Thomas Edison, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” |
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February 2013
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